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  1. 02.02.2026

    A few weeks ago, I paid 7 bucks for a pound of cherries because I was sad enough to believe that my purchase was justified. It's a bad habit. But I don't see how I could have walked home that day, after IIEP, after the classes, and after that email, without my cherries.

    I knew it was over when I didn't hear back from them the week before. But seeing the email, seeing the words, now that was really something. It's hard to think about. I actually don't even want to write about it, but this is my attempt at getting closure. I think if I can think about it, and think about it really hard, it wouldn't hurt as much if it gently grazes my mind every now and then. Sometimes, I'll replay parts of that interview in my head. I'm doing it right now -- not because I want to, but because I can't help myself. And it's still heartbreaking. I thought I was a good fit. I thought they'd want me. I thought it would work out. Everything I thought prior to January 23 turned out to be wrong. I still can't believe it. I can't believe it.

    The worst part is that I feel that I had wasted my entire winter break, a whole week of my three week break, on something that wouldn't even come to fruition. It really hurts. It hurts more when people talk about their applications and interviews. It hurts when I think about applying elsewhere. I don't want to do it. I spent my winter break doing applications because I didn't want to be sitting here, trying to do homework, write grant proposals, do ACC packages at 10pm, and write cover letters on top of that. But I have to. And I know I will, I'm just delaying the inevitable.

    All this wondering and crying and stressing makes me sad enough to want to date again. It makes me want someone to confide in and just have fun with. Someone whose presence is something I can't help but look forward to. I haven't really had that in two years. I just know I'll cry about this sometime soon. But I know all of this bitching about dating is temporary and meaningless. I know I don't want to use a relationship as a tool to avoid discomfort. So I'm figuring it out. It's really difficult now, but in the same way that I've seen a ton of personal growth in the past two years, I know I'll recover in time and become a little bit better at dealing with discomfort, one rejection at a time! It'll be okay, though I think I'll have to buy another $7 case of cherries tonight.