scallop time

08.25.2026

So much of this website is now occupied by these jottings about the boy ("what's-his-name"). This isn't what I intended for Scallop Time to be, but it is probably an accurate reflection of the state of my mind. There are still these moments when I have to fight every thought in my head and instinct in my body just to accept what happened as real. For the first six months of this year, I've grown to see him as this permanent fixture in my life, and I did not think reality could ever deviate from that. It's not that I consciously denied it, but the idea itself seemed so unlikely that it never really crossed my mind. What could possibly happen for him to not be here anymore? Well, I guess this. A big part of my very sudden increase in religiosity likely has to do with the fact that I'm still in shock and am desperately grasping at whatever I can to calm my nervous system. 

"And when they had crossed over, they came to land at Gennesaret. And when the men of that place recognized him, they sent around to all that region and brought to him all who were sick and implored him that they might only touch the fringe of his garment. And as many as touched it were made well."

This short passage brings me great comfort. They didn't seek Christ with the "right" motives. They had heard about his works, likely about the woman who touched the hem of his garment, and came to him to do the same. My guess is that they didn't come seeking Christ, but more so what he can do for them. Yet Christ does not turn them away. He refuses to break the bruised reed and quench a smoldering wick. And those who came receive what they came for. 

I like to think of my internal revival as some grand and noble pursuit, but the reality is that I am simply an animal in pain, turning to its last resort to relieve that feeling of discomfort. I am more like an ape reaching for its banana and scratching itself by the command of its flesh than I am a virtuous sojourner who willfully passes by Vanity Fair in pursuit of a higher good. I don't know much about Christ, but I have seen his works and heard of his ability to change people. There is no shortage of anecdotes about the gospel's ability to compel sinners to live and die for him. So here I am, hoping to find peace in the middle of this mess I've made for myself. What is it that I'm after? Am I seeking Christ? Am I seeking what he can do for my broken heart? I don't know. But regardless of the motive, I'm here, and I hope that the Lord will make me subservient to his will. "A broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise." 

"Many are the plans in the mind of a man, but it is the purpose of the Lord that will stand." 
Proverbs 19:21