scallop time

03.02.2026

I'm sorry if I made you worry. I'm sorry if my doing this made you uncomfortable in the slightest. Sorry that it's eggshells now. I just want you to know that you did nothing wrong. In fact, you did everything so well and so right that I fell for you. I miss you a lot. I used to look forward to calling you after work. I used to go on my phone in class to text you. It was a lot of fun. It was a lot of hurt, too, because I don't think you really understood how much you meant to me. So you'd tell me about Lauren, or about Carli, or about Anna, and my heart would drop a little every time I heard one of those names over the speaker. I'd pick up those calls regardless, because I just wanted to hear your voice. I wanted to take up a little bit of space in your mind, even just for an hour and a half. I never knew how to hang up on you because I wanted to stay there forever. So obviously, when it all ended, there were moments, half an hour at most, when the emotion I felt toward you was anger. I thought I gave you everything and that you gave me nothing. Realized that you thought of me as infinitely less significant than I how thought of you. Then I realized that it doesn't matter whether I'm right or wrong. At the end of the day, I can't make you care, and neither can you. You can't force yourself to want or care for someone, you just do. That's how I want you. That's how you want Lauren. I wish I could say that about myself.

I don't believe in love, so I can't actually say that I'm in love. But however the songs define it is what I felt for you. Feel for you, still, which is why I'm keeping my distance. A part of me wonders if this could ever go somewhere. Maybe a couple of months, maybe a year, maybe a few years down the road, you'll want me too. Maybe then, the stars would align. No pushing and pulling and guessing, just desire. Or not, and we'll both be happy in our respective places.

I miss you a lot. I've said that already, but I say it again for emphasis. You made the API rejection more bearable. You made the start to this terrible year so much better than it would have been otherwise, and I'm glad you were the boy I got drunk for. Beyond what you did for me, though, I think I just really like you. I told you once about how desire is just one of those things I can't wrap my head around. Well, this is that. I want you, but I don't really know why. I want you to want me too, but you don't, and I'm about to spend the next few weeks trying to live with that truth. Because with me, you're either all in or all out. Either you get all of me in my most honest and vulnerable state, or you get none of me. I have a hard time being anywhere in the middle, doing the the obligatory texting and forced hangouts. So instead, I showed you my all, and you decided that it was too much. That's okay. In fact, it's good because it gives me all the closure I need. Not only do you not want me, but I'm just not right for you. It sucks because I like you so much. But as with all things, I know that I'll get over it. I just wanted to say sorry if you feel like you've done something wrong, because you haven't, and it would kill me to think that I'm causing any amount of unnecessary stress in your already stressful life.

Thanks for being my friend. If you ever feel like changing that title, let me know. I'll be here, ready to pick up on the first ring.